Category Archives: Mercurial Minds

“I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one’s life, change the nature and direction of one’s work, and give final meaning and color to one’s loves and friendships.” —From An Unquiet Mind, a memoir by Kay Redfield Jamison

A good day is a day without pain

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No connection to this post, but a preview of something I've been working on for a good long while—that's my dad visiting at last year's student show.

My latest bout of the blues was set off by a night spent fighting the bedclothes, and insomnia always leaves me feeling very sick the next day. So I took a “sick day” today and slept till I could sleep no more and feel better for it now. This means I missed my art class, but I don’t even feel badly about it, though I should, I guess. All I know is I didn’t want to be in the same room as that irritating woman. My bruises from last week have gone from blue to greenish-yellow and cover a good portion of my upper and lower right arm as graphic reminders of just how badly I handle stress. Continue reading →

Beware the Crazy Woman

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My first watercolour class of the session was today and it was… interesting. It’s a full class, whereas last term we had a very small group, so I needed to adjust to having so many people there. This one woman showed up and her appearance dismayed several of those who had had the bad luck of having her as a classmate before. She criticizes absolutely everything in a very loud, strident voice, when she’s barely even gotten through the door. I’ve had words with her in the past, so I have to really keep my temper and attitude in check because she has a way of driving me crazy. She thinks nothing of putting down a person’s work, which is completely unacceptable behaviour in this school, where they really strive to create a nurturing environment. But then—anybody who thinks they don’t have artistic talent? should see this woman’s work. This woman apparently thinks she has a gift though. The stuff she showed today literally made me feel sick. Yes, that bad. The teacher usually finds the loveliest things to say about everybody’s work—it’s a real talent she has—no matter how much or how little talent a person has, and she was more or less rendered speechless, along with everyone else. She pleaded the fifth after class when I asked her about it, and that told me everything I needed to know. Continue reading →

When I am Sad (The Movie)

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I should preface this post by saying that I feel fine today. A tad blue, but nothing to write home about. I just had to share this short animation that my cousin in Israel posted on my Facebook wall today and which I found funny, sweet and touching.

and the currents are so strong

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I have a heavy heavy heart today. Not sure why. It’s been like this for quite some time now, but today, tears welling up and great sadness, tears falling. And fatigue, overwhelming fatigue. I tried pushing it all away by laying down and listening to Die Trying, the latest Jack Reacher novel I’ve got going. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the story and I was hooked into the thriller for hours, but still, still the oppressive sadness wouldn’t leave me.

I need to start a new thread on LT since the current one is getting too long. I like to put an image in the top post to make it more visually interesting. I do tend to be obsessive, just a tad, so been looking for visuals for hours for the last couple of days. I had an idea in mind, then found something I liked and thought I’d do a montage in Photoshop, which is nothing new for me, but somehow… all the insecurity and stress and pressure to produce visual images overtook me and I just felt utterly lost. It should be my favourite thing of all. I’ve been told so often by people who should know about these things that I’m talented, and aren’t we supposed to revel in our talents and derive boundless pleasure from them? How taking on the simplest project, done just for the fun of it can become such a tortuous process is beyond me. Which may explain some of the sadness. Being an art director in the publishing world for successful magazines was a dream of mine when I was a kid, although I wouldn’t have known how to define what my role would be, or that it was called ‘art direction’ or anything like that. I worked really hard, and my dream became a reality, and then the reality of it with the pressure it entailed became so crushing… I tried. I really tried keeping it together. Why did I fall to pieces while others manage to soldier on, and why I can’t seem to put all those pieces together again and move on, and why and for what do I mourn still are questions that plague me. I feel so lost—like a rudderless ship lost at sea, navigating unknown waters, with a blanket of dark thick clouds hiding the stars from view. I guess the new thread can wait.

On my mind today

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As much as I’m wanting to do all kinds of things today, I’m equally desirous of spending time with my books. I’m more conscious than ever that I’ll have to cut back some on bookish things starting about a month for now to make room for my art classes, and art in general, which I’ve been woefully neglecting along with everything else. My dad offered to pay for my classes this term, which is very generous of him, so I signed up for a class with my favourite teacher Elisabeth for another round of watercolours (she keeps it fresh and new and exciting all the time, what more can one ask for?). I’ll also be taking a day-long painting class during which everyone works on personal projects, which I thought was probably the smart thing to do since I’ve got maybe a dozen canvases at various stage of completion and could certainly use the feedback to get me moving on them. A regular three-hour class is just too short, and the full day is a little too long to be leaving Coco alone, so I’ll probably show up a bit later in the morning (big surprise, right?). Continue reading →

A Tribute to Lucian Freud

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Lucian Freud, Girl with Fig Leaf, 1948

Celebrated painter Lucian Freud (grandson of that other Freud), passed away last week at the ripe age of 88, leaving behind an astounding body of work (see the New York Times article here). I’m sad about his passing of course as I’m a big fan of his early drawings which I discovered through a great book I made sure to get my own copy of called Lucian Freud on Paper. I thought I’d do my own kind of tribute by posting an art project I did a while ago (still ongoing) which was inspired by a drawing of his called Girl with Leaves. Just visit here to see what it’s about.

A (really) Good Day

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Today has been a grrrrreat day!

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing a tryout as an Art Therapist in training (sort of). I took a volunteering course a while ago at the Royal Victoria, the hospital where I had previously attended a programme as an outpatient to help me after I had my nervous breakdown. I wanted to help in the Occupational Therapy department—which had been particular helpful to me during my stay there. They have a workshop session every Wednesday morning where patients can do whatever creative projects they like. About six months ago the woman who runs the OT department, J said I could be their “Artist in Residence” after I had expressed my interest. Anyway, long story short, I had an appointment at the hospital today which ended up being cancelled, but then ran into J, who was just on her way out with some patients to take a walk on Mount Royal (our little bit of nature in the centre of the city), so I joined in. I ended up chatting up a storm with a woman who said she would love to have someone like me to help her explore her creativity, and that was just the little extra spark I needed to encourage me to get over my fear of… well of a lot of things actually, and start using some of my experience as a creative to help other people.

Tomorrow, I shall get up bright and early to attend with my most faithful companion, because J even agreed that I bring Coco with me for the first day as an additional tryout. Coco is an absolute angel and he always brings joy to people wherever he goes, so he could end up being more in demand than me. Fine by me. Best of all, there’s no pressure. J said that I should treat my time there as an opportunity to work on projects of my own, and then help those who show an interest in trying any kind of art project—as opposed to woodworking, for which another volunteer, has been sharing his expertise for many years.

I’ve been getting lots of migraines lately, but, I’ve decided that if I have a migraine tomorrow, I’ll go anyway. Wish me luck.

R.I.P., Amy Winehouse

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The singer Amy Winehouse has been found dead at her flat in north London at the age of 27. The award-winning artist, famous for hits including Rehab from the critically acclaimed album Back to Black, was discovered by police in the late afternoon. Her death was being treated on Saturday night as “unexplained”. – guardian.co.uk

New Beginnings

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Starting my art classes this week with a painting class today. I’m excited about it but also a bit apprehensive. It’s been ages since I’ve done anything on canvas—many months at least—and have a bunch of paintings at various stages of progress to show for it! The fact that I’m scared must prove that it’ll be good for me, right? Or anyway, something like that… Off to pack my paints and brushes!

Battles Without, Battles Within

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Regeneration – 1st of the Regeneration Trilogy
by Pat Barker ★★★★★

It is 1917 and WWI is still going strong. The Craiglockhart War Hospital is an institution where officers suffering from very serious cases of shell shock and deemed mentally unsound go to be healed so they can return to the front and continue the vicious battle against the Germans. Dr. William Rivers—a brilliant psychiatrist at the institution—has a cure which is at once successful while being highly unusual for his time. Instead of having recourse to violent and painful courses of therapy prevalent in other hospitals, such as submitting the patients to painful humiliation tactics and high voltage electric shocks, he helps his patients cure themselves by encouraging them to face their fears and the horrors they have witnessed in battle instead of attempting to repress them. Even with the advances in psychology brought on by Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, such an approach would have still been especially novel in the mainstream, at a time when men were conditioned and expected to be impervious to fear, never acknowledge weaknesses, and generally keep their emotions in check. Continue reading →