A (really) Good Day

Today has been a grrrrreat day!

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing a tryout as an Art Therapist in training (sort of). I took a volunteering course a while ago at the Royal Victoria, the hospital where I had previously attended a programme as an outpatient to help me after I had my nervous breakdown. I wanted to help in the Occupational Therapy department—which had been particular helpful to me during my stay there. They have a workshop session every Wednesday morning where patients can do whatever creative projects they like. About six months ago the woman who runs the OT department, J said I could be their “Artist in Residence” after I had expressed my interest. Anyway, long story short, I had an appointment at the hospital today which ended up being cancelled, but then ran into J, who was just on her way out with some patients to take a walk on Mount Royal (our little bit of nature in the centre of the city), so I joined in. I ended up chatting up a storm with a woman who said she would love to have someone like me to help her explore her creativity, and that was just the little extra spark I needed to encourage me to get over my fear of… well of a lot of things actually, and start using some of my experience as a creative to help other people.

Tomorrow, I shall get up bright and early to attend with my most faithful companion, because J even agreed that I bring Coco with me for the first day as an additional tryout. Coco is an absolute angel and he always brings joy to people wherever he goes, so he could end up being more in demand than me. Fine by me. Best of all, there’s no pressure. J said that I should treat my time there as an opportunity to work on projects of my own, and then help those who show an interest in trying any kind of art project—as opposed to woodworking, for which another volunteer, has been sharing his expertise for many years.

I’ve been getting lots of migraines lately, but, I’ve decided that if I have a migraine tomorrow, I’ll go anyway. Wish me luck.

Art & Crafts (among my many other hobbies)

As I usually read in bed and tend to fall asleep well past midnight, it’s most unusual for me to rise before the sun, which is what happened this morning. I thought: “Great, now I have lots of time to work on arts & crafts projects before my watercolour class!” Then I came to the computer to check on my emails and read another chapter from my mother’s latest manuscript which is delightfully engrossing and which I pray will reach an intern or an agent smart enough to see what a gem it is and make sure it gets published (about high time for that small miracle to happen!) Then I donned my ski-wear and warm (recycled) fur hat and favourite cashmere mitts and took Coco across the street, and we chased each other up and down the snowy alley, my peals of laughter egging him on so that he practically fell over himself while running and simultaneously wagging his nub of a tail. I could swear he was grinning from ear to ear too. By then I must say I felt better than I have in a long long time. Taking in bright morning sunshine and air, and a loving and (almost disgustingly) cute little dog following you around will tend to have that sort of effect.

Coming back inside, I thought, Ah! L’embarras du choix! what project shall I work on now? Make another wax model for a ring to add to my new series? Draw that organic red onion that’s sprouted such large tentacles it’s now fit to be a circus freak? Start that series of paintings I’ve been thinking about for so long? Go back to bed? Blog about it all? Well, maybe you can guess which option I chose in the end. Still, I’m hoping I can get this post done quickly and still have time to paint and draw so I have something to put on the wall when I show up to class.

Here are a couple of quick snaps I took of my latest ring design—the first of that new series I just mentioned—even though there’s a bit of work left to do on it. I’m so happy with it, I decided to equip myself with the minimum of necessary tools so I can make wax models at home and not depend on classes to make more rings (don’t know to what end, but just the pleasure of making them is good enough for now!) I’ve taken a few photos of the step-by-step process too, which I’ll post on createthreesixty5.com along with better photos once it’s all finished.

Silver rings & iPhone pics by Smiler (click to view full size)

My Name Is Smiler, and I’m a Recovering Blocked Artist.

For nearly 20 years, I made a very decent living as an art director, first in advertising and eventually at a national women’s magazine. I had originally studied fine arts, my first love, but decided to pursue commercial arts instead, figuring I had better chances of making ends meet that way. While things went well for me professionally, creatively speaking, I suffered in silence. All too rarely having the opportunity to fully develop my best ideas, usually because marketing surveys, focus groups, and business people had the last word—with creativity being the least of their priorities—my own creativity was retreating little by little, as I had no energy of drive to work on my own projects on what little free time I had left for such things. While I had access to budgets allowing me to hire extremely talented and accomplished professionals from around the world—designers, photographers, illustrators, stylists and so on—I ultimately felt more and more like a fraud and that my own accomplishments were nothing more than sheer dumb luck, compared to those truly talented people who seemed to have endless reserves of energy, motivation, talent and drive.

Some 15 years ago, I had the immense honour of participating at a workshop at the School of Visual Arts in NYC given by the Great Milton Glazer, who was a recipient of the National Medal of Art in February 2010, presented by President Obama. This one-week intensive taught me lessons about creativity unlike any I had ever experienced before yet at the same time seemed to speak directly to my own sensibilities, and it is not an exaggeration to say that I fell in love with his brilliant mind as a great thinker and an accomplished artist. Although I am not at liberty to disclose what took place during that workshop, I can say that the tools he gave us will stay with me for the rest of my life. “You must draw every day” was something he emphasized very strongly, and as I went about being the best art director and executive I could be, I felt I had failed to follow through on the great teachings of a creative guru.

Those who have been following this blog have seen my earlier attempts at reconnecting with creativity for it’s own sake, and I can’t emphasize enough that for me, the journey so far has been a very humbling one. In Zen Buddhism, the concept of Beginner’s Mind is a very important aspect of the practice. My interpretation of Beginner’s Mind is that one should approach every endeavour as a child would, with no preconceived notions, no judgment, and a willingness to try things no matter how unfamiliar. I’ve spent a good part of my life being a student of the creative process and I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Beginner’s Mind is the source of all great creative accomplishments. And it begins with a willingness to try and try, again and again and again while being kind toward our efforts, and keeping harsh criticism at bay.

My blog profile starts with the adage : “When eating an elephant take one bite at a time”. The project createthreesixty5 grew out of a desire to share my journey of recovery as an artist, one small step at a time. I believe we are all creative. Some are more technically proficient, and others less so, but this is irrelevant for our purposes here. The most important thing to remember is that there is no such thing as “bad art” when the work comes from a desire to simply explore possibilities. Although as I child I admired the great Renaissance artists for their masterful ability to create realistic images, I am now more interested in children’s drawings, doodles, goofs & spills, unusual combinations and “happy accidents”.

I sincerely hope others will be just as excited as I am to embark on this createthreesixty5 journey which officially begins on Thursday April 15th, but which for me is the continuation of the work of a lifetime.

From Smiler, with Love.

What’s In a Name?

Oops, I liked creativity365 and creative365 as possible names for our project but now that I’ve googled them I see there are lots of blogs by that name already. Figures. Guess we’ll have to come up with something a little bit different though I’d love to keep it short and snappy. Once again, ideas, input: most welcome.

Another idea that popped in my head regarding this 365 project is that nothing stops participants from showing works in progress or even maybe… things they find inspiring (would that open the door to all too frequent cop-outs, I wonder?)

In any case, I’ll keep posting ideas as they come along and and hope this might generate lots of feedback and will sum it all up in one neat post… well probably never, come to think of it because this is the kind of thing which by definition is a work in progress, but I’ll at least try to provide helpful guidelines and instructions when the time comes.

365 Days of Creativity

Giraffe Drawings_3784

One of my friends, K, whom I had originally met in a painting class said something on Facebook just a short while ago about looking forward to starting a new art class as she hoped this would get her painting again, something she’s been finding hard to do lately. I understand the frustration of wanting to create things and feeling held back by lagging motivation. In my reply to her, the idea just popped into my mind that maybe I could start a group and/or blog where people would be encouraged to post a creation every day, in whatever medium they choose. Back in March, I blogged about wanting to find a project that would entail me showing my creations on a daily basis and gave myself a month to think about what I could possibly want to do every day for at least 365 days. I set myself a deadline to figure out what that thing would be: April 11th. This date is fast approaching and up until today I’ve been dreading it. Making that process interactive and having other people contribute their own creations too however… that seems a lot more exciting to me. I’m thinking that a group effort will encourage participants to keep going and stay motivated if only for the pleasure of sharing their creations with others.

I’ll think this over and share what format this group/blog will take on (making it user-friendly being a priority), when the start date will be, as well as how others can join me in this project, etc this Sunday April 11th. I’m hopeful that others will want to start this 365 day adventure with me or at least participate occasionally. If you’re interested, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment—I’d also be curious to know what you think you might like to contribute, though I encourage everyone to participate in whatever medium they are most comfortable with, be it photography, painting, drawing, knitting, doodling, poetry, design, recipes, short stories, music, sewing, videos, haikus, baking… basically ANYTHING that is your own creation and which you can show others via internet. Anyone from beginner,  or amateur to professional is encouraged to participate. We’re not looking for perfection; participation is the only goal and any kind of effort will be encouraged. Suggestions are welcome.

Whether there are other participants willing to start on Day One with me or not, I’ll set the whole thing in motion in hopes that others will want to join along the way, though I’d love it if at least a couple of people joined from the start. Are you in?

This photo by Smiler was originally  featured in this post.

Blue Nude

Blue Nude_1893
Ugh. I’m really dreading this, so may as well get it over and done with ASAP. I feel like I’m the one getting undressed here. My painting teacher Ian, other than giving a great class and providing all kinds of useful tips and insights, is also teaching us not to be so critical of our work. He also encourages us to bring in personal projects to work on or just to get feedback and so far he’s seen half a dozen of my paintings in progress and each time, the first thing I do is point out everything that’s wrong with my pieces, as if to excuse myself for not showing something that’s finished, resolved and totally up to my standards. About one of my paintings (simply called Water), he said “just shut up and let me enjoy it” which is one of the nicest things a teacher has ever said to me. I actually like that one, but I can’t show it here unfortunately because it doesn’t translate well on photos at all. It’s all about subtleties and texture and just looks like a blur of blue otherwise. However, I am showing this latest Blue Nude piece. We’ve been working from a live model and the exercise consists in starting from a very dark canvas and painting in the light areas to start. It’s quite tricky because you have to use colour very differently than you do on a white background and you also have to work with transparencies to preserve the darkness of the background, which ends up giving more depth to it. I’m enjoying the process so much that I’m thinking of doing a whole bunch of paintings like that. I was really annoyed with the model yesterday because her leg position was different from last week’s and I started telling her she should scoot them over, but she just ignored me. That was a sobering reminder that I can’t be an art director wherever and whenever I want to, and that as an artist, I have to learn to just take things as they are and not try to “improve” on them all the time.

So this is me trying very hard NOT to apologize for my painting. How am I doing? That being said, compliments were flying high at the end of class, when both a student and the teacher said it reminded them of a painting by Picasso, more specifically from his blue period, said Ian. Gee… what do you say to that? Just a simple thanks and then STFU I guess. /End of post before I start pointing out all the reasons why their compliment is totally over the top.

Featuring a Beautiful Tomboy, Survivor Painter Edition and the Bipolar Ladies Club

There might be a word to define that state you get to that is beyond fatigue and utter exhaustion, but I’m at point right now where I don’t even have the energy to do that 30 second search on merriam-webster.com to find out what other synonyms might possibly exist (something my inner nerd normally thrives on). This state has been brought on by many good things, so this is by no means meant to be a complaint and nobody has cause for feeling sorry for me right now.

I have plenty to tell and plenty to show from these last two days but it’ll all have to wait. I’ll just say: photo shoot with my old musician/architect/photographer friend M and a gorgeous tomboy of a girl who’s got so much going for her the last thing she wants people to know about her is that sometimes she’s also a model, with me as a stylist/makeup artist/control freak aka art director on the fritz trying really hard to keep in mind its not WORK work and it’s OK to really enjoy myself while doing something I obviously have a passion for; A painting class that, to me, makes those survival treks out in the wild seem like child’s play; Followed by dinner with a classmate comparing notes on life, art and bipolar disorder (symptoms, past diagnoses, treatments, lists of pharmaceuticals tried and tested and attending side-effects).

Whew! I just finished myself off with that little synopsis. Off to play Spore Origins on my iPhone for a bit (stuck at level 30 for now—what eggs are they talking about??) and then it’s straight to dreamland for me.

Painting Noises

Vicky Tansey, a fascinating woman probably in her sixties and in much better shape than I am, is considered to be one of Canada’s leading pioneers in the art of improvisation as a dancer, singer and visual artist, and is also an accredited Tai Chi teacher and Buddhist practitioner, according to her bio on the Visual Arts Centre site. I discovered her great enthusiasm and intensely physical approach to painting and drawing today during the first in a series of eight classes titled Painting as Expression, which is geared toward “beginners, and those who want to begin again.”

To start, she had us twelve students—all women, save one brave man—sit in a circle to introduce ourselves and describe what had led us to choose this particular course out of the VAC’s vast curriculum. Next thing we knew, we were making marks on paper with our eyes closed while engaged in a series of contortions; moving our bodies around our limply held “broken” wrists; drawing, arm extended, from as far from our easels as possible while standing on tippy-toes; with charcoal sticks held on our chest—like knives in a stabbing motion—following movements she performed for us with complete abandon, then switching hands and doing it all over again. Vicky was clearly right in her element. The rest of us were predictably inhibited and feeling foolish at first, but these exercises got her point across: if you want to be expressive in your art, it’s got to come from your whole being and not just from an ideal in your head and a carefully held paintbrush positioned at a perfect angle. As it happens, just the type of exercise I had signed up for.

First painting exercise: cut out four pieces of “found” cardboard, cover with gesso, then make marks with charcoal on each “canvas”—again with eyes closed and using the techniques we’d just explored—all based on vocal noises she made—much to our great amusement. Then, using only gesso and a paintbrush, she left us to our own devices to paint over the drawing in order to create new images from the initial markings. Making pretty and colourful images was discouraged—the point was to explore gesture and learn to follow our instincts. Each student managed to end up with very personal interpretations and image styles, almost surprising given the limited resources we were allowed. Just in case you’re curious, here’s what I came up with:

Cartoon Face
“Cartoon Faces”

Clouds
“Clouds”

Yellow Submarine
“Yellow Submarine”

The Bull
“The Bull”

The names just describe the images that came to mind as I was working on them.

Aimless, Designless & Desultory

Art & Crafts2_0883

Arts & Crafts really is my favourite session each week. I’m discovering that I’m not all that resistant to creating art after all, it’s just that I seem to do better in a space that is devoted to such occupations, decently equipped, kept as safe as possible with plenty of positive encouragement and scheduled on a regular basis. All things, as it happens, I can’t presently find at home. This mosaic project I’m working on will ostensibly end up as a hot plate or trivet, but I don’t really care about the end result—to me it’s the process that counts—namely finding out how pleasant said process can be when the right conditions are present. As I mentioned before, I had all kinds of grand ideas at first on where I wanted to go with this mosaic project and then, finding that I was putting too much pressure on myself, I did what I do best, pressed on the random button and watched as something emerged which both surprised and delighted me. I can’t remember the last time something like that happened.

I found the following in the Thesaurus section on Merriam-Webster.com. What struck me first is how pejorative the word “random” can be, according to different interpretation:

Synonyms: aimless, designless, desultory, haphazard, hit-or-miss, indiscriminate, irregular, objectless, promiscuous, purposeless, slapdash, spot, unaimed, unconsidered, unplanned; compare ACCIDENTAL
Related Word: contingent, fluky, fortuitous, incidental, odd
Contrasted Words: arranged, organized, planned; methodical, systematic; deliberate, purposeful
Antonyms: purposive”

When I think of randomness I think about the fortuitous aspect of it. Granted in the example provided above, the colours here don’t look anything like the original, which makes it hard to appreciate their subtlety or artistry. It’s also a fact that I spent a considerable amount of time painstakingly choosing each tile and that I eventually came up with a simple grid system to bring a little sense of order to the whole, which I guess can’t be said to be completely random methods (if there were such a thing). I had to make a deliberate choice to put a deadline on it so I can start making something else, otherwise I could all too well imagine myself spending countless hours fine-tuning the piece in some blind quest for perceived “perfection”. Perfection is overrated, bring on the flukes!

Pic by Smiler taken with my iPhone

Child’s Play

Colouring Project Step 1_0817
Steps 1-3 (of 8)

Coloring Project Step 2_0821
Steps 4-5.5 (of 8)

“Sometimes you have to play a long time to be able to play like yourself”
~Miles Davis quotes

Miles was of course referring to playing an instrument. But I think his statement also holds true for any kind of play. For some of us, playing comes naturally, for others, it requires a bit more effort, a lesson in letting go. I’ve been in both situations, but with so many cumulative years of depression it’s easy to forget how to have fun, be playful and just kick back and go with the flow. One of the reasons I have a hard time recognizing my creativity is that for the most part, creative projects have come with deadlines and bottom lines and the pressure to perform was more often than not difficult to handle. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how to just let go and be creative just for the heck of it. I just don’t feel ‘safe’ embarking on a creative project unless there are clear guidelines or a specific use for the end result. The mosaic project I was working on yesterday is fun because it’s in the context of art therapy and takes place in the context of a well-appointed workshop and plenty of gentle kind encouragement. But otherwise the very idea of starting up any kind of project just terrifies me. I’ve spent lots of time and energy beating myself up over this state of affairs but what’s the point? Must go with the flow.

My visit to Oink Oink this weekend provided me with a temporary solution in the form of this colouring project. There’s very little actual creativity or skill involved—a very far cry from Miles Davis’ music. I’m not expecting it to lead anywhere (nor do I necessarily want it to), but somehow the process is deeply satisfying. This is the first of four images I’ve been working on tonight. The final step will be to add decorative details with a gold pen. I can hardly wait.