Tag Archives: Day Program

A (really) Good Day

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Today has been a grrrrreat day!

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing a tryout as an Art Therapist in training (sort of). I took a volunteering course a while ago at the Royal Victoria, the hospital where I had previously attended a programme as an outpatient to help me after I had my nervous breakdown. I wanted to help in the Occupational Therapy department—which had been particular helpful to me during my stay there. They have a workshop session every Wednesday morning where patients can do whatever creative projects they like. About six months ago the woman who runs the OT department, J said I could be their “Artist in Residence” after I had expressed my interest. Anyway, long story short, I had an appointment at the hospital today which ended up being cancelled, but then ran into J, who was just on her way out with some patients to take a walk on Mount Royal (our little bit of nature in the centre of the city), so I joined in. I ended up chatting up a storm with a woman who said she would love to have someone like me to help her explore her creativity, and that was just the little extra spark I needed to encourage me to get over my fear of… well of a lot of things actually, and start using some of my experience as a creative to help other people.

Tomorrow, I shall get up bright and early to attend with my most faithful companion, because J even agreed that I bring Coco with me for the first day as an additional tryout. Coco is an absolute angel and he always brings joy to people wherever he goes, so he could end up being more in demand than me. Fine by me. Best of all, there’s no pressure. J said that I should treat my time there as an opportunity to work on projects of my own, and then help those who show an interest in trying any kind of art project—as opposed to woodworking, for which another volunteer, has been sharing his expertise for many years.

I’ve been getting lots of migraines lately, but, I’ve decided that if I have a migraine tomorrow, I’ll go anyway. Wish me luck.

The Workshop Beckons

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Bowls

Bowls

I made this series of small bowls over this past year, during several visits to the workshop at the Allan Memorial institute. They’re rough and unsophisticated and may as well have been made by a child, but that’s what I like about them. The one on top left was the first one I made around this time last year while I was still attending the day program. I had fun playing around with the clay and just enjoying the process, which at the time felt like a whole new approach to making things, so I’m a little bit attached to it as it somehow represents a newfound freedom: one where the joy of making things isn’t hindered by the pressure of worrying whether the final result will be “up to par” or not.

I was very keen on this mold I used with the first one, and had visions of dozens and dozens of these bowls, each with it’s own particular quirks, in a rainbow of colour combinations. So of course I jumped at the chance when I was invited to spend some time at the workshop this spring to make a couple more. In fact, I enjoy the atmosphere of that workshop so much that I had talked about possibly volunteering there maybe once a week. It seems like the idea took and I will now be acting as the “artist in residence”, which is the title they concocted for me, the idea being that I’ll come in during workshop sessions on Wednesdays to share my passion for making things, along with whatever knowledge I can transmit, and encourage participants to try new things. Art has been the best kind of therapy for me and I’m all too happy to help others discover this for themselves.

This post is long overdue because it’s been my intention for many months to show these bowls so that my mum can choose one so I can send it to her in France as a now very belated birthday gift (if she wants one of course). So there you go mum. You choose, I send, with love.

Bowls & pics by Smiler

Summer Blues

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Mimi & Coco: not quite friends yet but we're working on it.

I’m sorry to say I’ve been feeling mostly depressed and low on energy lately. Most of my art classes have ended this week, with my last watercolours class coming on Monday. I have a new painting class starting in July and a drawing class in August but of course there will be less activity over the summer as far as art therapy goes. But then, I always seem to get depressed around this time of year. Everyone seems to have plans and opportunities to get out of the city and the prospect of another lonely birthday looming ahead and seeing everybody outside with friends and family inevitably makes me feel more lonesome than ever, while at the same time being on my own suits me more often than not. There are not a lot of people I feel comfortable reaching out to in “real life”. I’m feeling like a loser again and any time I try to think of my future I get terrified and can’t seem to see anything but bleakness, which doesn’t help matters. In other words, I’m feeling sorry for myself and when I feel like this I just lay low because it’s not the kind of energy I feel I should share with anybody.

I’m thankful to have Coco giving me a compelling reason to get out of the house three times a day. I get to talk to complete strangers because they find him cute and ask questions. Of course I always tell them he’s a rescue dog—I have to say I’m quite proud of doing my part in some small way. My only complaint is that he’s a bit of a whiner and he doesn’t always come when I call him those rare times I let him off leash, so altogether it’s safe to say he’s a dream dog and I pretty well won the dog lottery. I go to dog parks sometimes which is a great social outing for Coco but I mostly feel awkward around the other dog owners and always leaving feeling worse than when I arrived.

I’m considering volunteering for a couple of places; there’s the workshop at the day hospital I used to go to that could use a bit of organizing and I heard of a cat rescue which is nearby and doesn’t require a long commute. I just need to make a few calls and meet people to make it happen, which seems like more than I can handle right now, so all in due time I guess. I’m just waiting for this latest bout of the blues to blow over and in the meantime I’m accumulating lots of material to post both here and on the C365 site which I’ve admittedly neglected lately, along with everything and everyone else. At least I’m not questioning whether or not I ‘deserve’ to keep on living—something that tends to come up around this time every year—especially now that I have my little family of three kidz to look after, which is a pretty good mindspace to be in, all things considered. So yeah, not complaining. It is what it is and like everything else, this too shall pass, right? Right.

Pic by Smiler

Today’s Favorite Mother Contest

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Bowls_3450

It was a good day overall. I got up this morning without too much struggle. I made myself coffee and a bagel with cream cheese and jam. I ate it all. I wasn’t sick. I made my way to the day hospital on a freezing cold day but was well dressed for it, so that part was actually fun (plus, it’s such a pretty walk up Peel and towards Mount-Royal). I worked on the two bowls I had my heart set on making during ceramics and was free to continue working on them through lunchtime to get them finished. Now they just have to dry for a week or so before being baked so I can paint them (before getting re-baked). One of the three bowls in the series I’ve made will be sent to the winner of the contest: WHO IS MY FAVORITE MOTHER. Mother gets to choose her favourite colour combo out of the three finished pieces. I’m very excited about this very simple project for some reason. The bowls are kind of crude and quirky, but I’ve really become attached to them as simple icons of unbridled and un-self-conscious creativity (all the while using a mould— ha ha.)

Had a nice talk with J, my former main caregiver. We always do have interesting talks and I value her opinion because she can relate personally to so many things I go through myself, yet she manages to stay healthy and positive through it all.

Went over to Bleu comme le ciel and Clio Blue to make small payments on some jewellery I’ve put aside. I can take all my time to pay it off and I keep telling myself I won’t shop anymore when I’ve paid those pieces off.

Had a great therapy/venting session with my psychologist.

Got home to find that “friend” had passed by to pick up things, save for rollerblades which had been sitting here for many years. I had expressly asked not to come in my absence as wanted to make sure he got everything and my keys didn’t get left outside in the mailbox (I still like to play it safe in a very public kind of neighbourhood). He thought he would come alone to avoid a screaming tirade—which shows how little he knows me—after the big blowup, comes: the deep freeze. There was a great bottle of wine with a short note waiting for me, but I knew I couldn’t stomach that wine ever. Yes, even a Chateauneuf du Pape can taste bitter to me under the wrong circumstances. Plus it was RED wine, which doesn’t agree with me well at all these days. There was an exchange of emails. I misinterpreted and missed bits and pieces. He was just being a typical GUY about it. I need time to get over my anger and just focus on taking care of myself.

Went out to buy a couple of bottles of scotch (to slowly sample at my own rhythm) and a bottle of WHITE Chateauneuf du Pape. For New Year’s of course.

Spent the evenings watching truly funny shows on HBO; Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (with that great scene of Matt Damon having a complete meltdown on the phone), Flight of the Conchords (as aforementioned), Six Feet Under (not so funny but so great I have decided it}s worth purchasing the whole series to watch several times over), Eastbound & Down (with aforementioned Kenny Powers). All the while have been slowly comparing between two scotches (Glengoyne and Glendronach), both twelve year olds but at different price-points. The former is stronger at 57.2% of alcohol content and pricier too, but much smoother with a velvetiness like brandy and a smell like the best kind of fruitcake ever (for people who love fruitcake like I do). This from someone who took wine-tasting courses but still can’t figure out how to describe wine & spirits. The latter is a bit coarser, but with a sharp fruity ending as it was finished off in sherry caskets. Not sure why it is that I’m discovering and appreciating scotch so much at this point in my life—not something I would have ever predicted, and makes me sound a little bit of an alkie—or an old lady (or both)—I do realize, but there we have it.

Tomorrow and Thursday have booked a 25 minute, then a 1 hour and 25 minute massage. It started with just one but since I didn’t use up my allowance in massage from the insurance company these past couple of years, I decided to book one sooner to help take care of the backache I got from lying around too much while sick. Uhhh… yoga maybe? Yes, that will definitely feature heavily in my new schedule for the New Year.

It’s late. Must get some sleep, otherwise I can see myself start to spin a little bit too fast with too little sleep and so much going on.

xx

Are There Kittens in Heaven?

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All things being relative, you could say I’m doing somewhat better. I called the health hotline early on in the day where it was recommended to me to make an orange juice, boiled water and salt concoction to keep myself hydrated. I was also encouraged to eat what I can, as long as it’s not fatty and doesn’t contain much fiber. The fiber thing threw me for a loop because I’m so used to trying to get as much fiber in my diet as possible normally. I passed on the OJ and salt thing (yuck!), drank plenty of water and ate some rice and a couple of bagels with cream cheese. I still feel very nauseous, dizzy and disoriented but so far I’m keeping everything down so I suppose it’s an improvement.

I was sitting there in a vegetative state yesterday watching one James Bond movie after another on one of the movie channels and suddenly had an incredible craving for a pizza. I didn’t think it was strange considering how little I’ve been eating lately, so I had one delivered figuring it would either a) make no difference at all since I was already puking my brains out or b) make me even sicker or c) miraculously cure me. I went all out and ordered a large pizza and by the time it got here I was a little bit disgusted by the sheer size of it. I had two slices and stuffed the rest in the fridge. It didn’t make me feel better, that’s for sure. But then I figure no matter what I might have eaten, I’d probably have puked that out too anyway. I had to get rid of the rest of the pizza today because the smell of it alone was making me sick to my stomach. That should take care of pizza cravings for the next year or so.

I’ve been in contact with a few friends, one or two of which I’ve been wanting to go to the cinema with but so far haven’t ventured out because just felt too sick. We were talking about going to see It’s Complicated. The movie appeals to me but why is the title so stupid?
-“What movie did you go see?”
-“It’s Complicated”
-“Why? Just tell me the name of the movie you saw“
-“It’s Complicated”
and so on.

Today I walked up to the pet store and back to get my kitties the Halo dry food they crave but by the time I got back home I was feeling worse. At this point I’m probably just weakened from the lack of proper nutrition. Tomorrow I plan to go to the day hospital to do some ceramics. It’s a slow week for them and I was invited to spend some time in the workshop which will be open and available all day until Wednesday. It was my favourite part of the program while I was there and I already have my heart set on making a couple of bowls. It’ll be nice to get out of the house and enjoy a bit of company too—provided I’m well enough to go of course. If not, I guess I’ll just have to keep myself busy here at home. I promised myself I’d work out a schedule and a budget for myself before the new year, so worse comes to worse I’ll just put my nose to the grindstone and get cracking on that. Doesn’t sound terribly sexy or exciting, but those two little things have the potential to change my life, no less, and at this point, that can only be a good thing.

In other news, Mimi is being an absolute angel and huddling up closer than ever in bed at night. I think she senses I need the company. Last night I was drifting in and out of sleep and kept imagining I was surrounded by half a dozen or so of kittens and puppies who were all vying for my attention. There was lots of loud purring and soft fur to pet and I felt ecstatic. I wonder, could there be kittens in heaven?

Graduation Day

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In her blog this morning, my mum mentions that she awoke from a dream where the internet service was down only to find that her email accounts were disabled (yet again). On my end of the world, I was woken up by contractors for the cable company drilling and talking loudly just inches bellow my bedroom window and then of course found both my cable and internet were down here this morning too. Interesting coincidence.

I shouldn’t be here writing this now, but I’ve decided I’m spending “graduation day” from the program at the Day Hospital by staying at home today… a combination of mood, hormones, gray skies… not conducive to goodbyes. Besides, I’m not really graduating from anything—just getting on with my life—hopefully a bit better equipped to take care of myself now. They don’t mark the event in any way when any one of us is discharged, which is the term they use for it (and how I’ve come to hate that word), unless the dischargee him or herself brings in flowers or baked goods (as I had considered doing) of makes a speech or something, which tends to be the rare exception rather than the rule. But all that seemed like too much effort today. So for many of us, one day you’re there, the next you’re just gone. No more no less. Sometimes the other remaining participants circulate a greeting card, which is sweet. I just hate goodbyes. There are too many goodbyes in life and besides, I still have a few arts & crafts projects to finish up so it’s already agreed I’ll be there for the workshop session next Wednesday morning and possibly the following week as well. I’ve already got the contacts of most of those I’d like to stay in touch with, and I’ll still be going to that hospital to see my regular shrink periodically, so nothing stops me from popping by and saying hello to whoever happens to be there.

Part of me feels this sense of overwhelming guilt, as if I know I’m not doing the right thing today. Probably the grown-up, responsible, mentally sound thing would have been for me to make that extra effort and pull myself together—put a smile on my lips and courageously face the fact that yet another phase in my life is coming to an end—said my thank you’s and goodbyes, spread some hugs around. But just the thought of it makes me want to cry. I guess I’m just not feeling quite so courageous enough. Sometimes, the grown-up thing to do is to just accept one’s own limitations. And besides, I’ve got a whole drawerful of writing paper and notecards kept especially for writing thoughtful thank-you notes and the like; something I know is always appreciated. That’ll just have to be good enough this time.

Crossroads

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Tomorrow is my last day as a patient of the day program I’ve been participating in at the Allan Memorial. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I hadn’t expected the camaraderie or that I’d make buddies there, but in retrospect I guess it was inevitable. So many different types of people find their way there and the one thing we all have in common is we are all at crossroads, trying to find ways to make ourselves better so we can just get on with it, whatever “it” happens to be. For some it’s a clear goal like getting back to work or school. For me, it’s getting to a place where I can trust myself to make the right decisions.

In the meantime, one door closes, and several others open. There’s NaNoWriMo, which is starting in just two days. There’s a yoga practice to get back into. There are schedules and lists to write about all the lists I need to be making so that I can break things down to simple steps, which should help keep me from freaking out at the thought of the challenges still ahead.

Right now, there’s True Blood to watch on HBO, there’s a vegetarian frozen dinner to eat, along with casual chit chat with my friend M who’s staying over for a few days. Not so long ago, I don’t think I could have handled having a guest over for more than an hour at a time. Progress comes along in unexpected ways, but every little bit counts.

Aimless, Designless & Desultory

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Art & Crafts2_0883

Arts & Crafts really is my favourite session each week. I’m discovering that I’m not all that resistant to creating art after all, it’s just that I seem to do better in a space that is devoted to such occupations, decently equipped, kept as safe as possible with plenty of positive encouragement and scheduled on a regular basis. All things, as it happens, I can’t presently find at home. This mosaic project I’m working on will ostensibly end up as a hot plate or trivet, but I don’t really care about the end result—to me it’s the process that counts—namely finding out how pleasant said process can be when the right conditions are present. As I mentioned before, I had all kinds of grand ideas at first on where I wanted to go with this mosaic project and then, finding that I was putting too much pressure on myself, I did what I do best, pressed on the random button and watched as something emerged which both surprised and delighted me. I can’t remember the last time something like that happened.

I found the following in the Thesaurus section on Merriam-Webster.com. What struck me first is how pejorative the word “random” can be, according to different interpretation:

“Synonyms: aimless, designless, desultory, haphazard, hit-or-miss, indiscriminate, irregular, objectless, promiscuous, purposeless, slapdash, spot, unaimed, unconsidered, unplanned; compare ACCIDENTAL
Related Word: contingent, fluky, fortuitous, incidental, odd
Contrasted Words: arranged, organized, planned; methodical, systematic; deliberate, purposeful
Antonyms: purposive”

When I think of randomness I think about the fortuitous aspect of it. Granted in the example provided above, the colours here don’t look anything like the original, which makes it hard to appreciate their subtlety or artistry. It’s also a fact that I spent a considerable amount of time painstakingly choosing each tile and that I eventually came up with a simple grid system to bring a little sense of order to the whole, which I guess can’t be said to be completely random methods (if there were such a thing). I had to make a deliberate choice to put a deadline on it so I can start making something else, otherwise I could all too well imagine myself spending countless hours fine-tuning the piece in some blind quest for perceived “perfection”. Perfection is overrated, bring on the flukes!

Pic by Smiler taken with my iPhone

Finally, Summer.

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Today’s summer dress pattern. Found in a vintage store in Australia.

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For the full effect, picture each flower bigger than your head.

We’ve finally been getting summer weather for the past couple of days—it’s been in the low 30s which feels more like 36ish (97F)—which means a summer dress was the smartest choice to make today. I couldn’t wait to dive into the pool during our scheduled hour which was around 11 a.m. We have an hour twice a week reserved for us patients at the Day Hospital and I’m always assuming other pool users will also be mentally challenged people like us. I keep forgetting the pool is open to anyone for just $5.00. This particular outdoor swimming pool is one of the nicest I’ve ever seen as we’re already on the mountain and the backdrop is more mountain and countless trees on one side, and sunshine on the other. I’ve tried taking pictures which didn’t give the full effect but trust me, this is a swimming pool even public swimming pool haters would love to swim in. What I didn’t expect was that it would turn into Daytona Beach, with blonde buff guys sucking in their guts and skinny big breasted gals wearing barely there shimmering bikinis and plenty of nipple show. Oh my. For the first time in my life I think, I was actually happy to NOT be skinny because for the most part I just thought most of those girls were emaciated and sickly-like. Those times when I’ve been skinny and buff myself I fit right in with that crowd. But otherwise I feel I may as well come from another planet and all that preening and showing of goods just made me feel like the biggest prude and really uncomfortable. Who’d ever have thunk it? But there you go, that’s what a complete loss of libido will do for you. I’d love to go to that pool this weekend as we’re expecting more of this gorgeous—and stifling-hot—summer weather but if it’s the same cruising crowd hanging out there you can count me out. Just makes me feel way too anxious and it’s just not worth it, especially as finding a new boyfriend is just about last thing on my list of priorities these days.

More evidence of summer on the way home. It was almost shocking to see the giant stalks in the middle of the urban setting I live in, but sure enough, one of the locals is growing sunflowers right there out on the sidewalk. They look almost surreal out there. I did my best to capture them with my iphone, which of course doesn’t do them justice. But you get the general idea.

The weekend is upon us, which always makes me a bit nervous—all that unscheduled time and so little willpower—I’ve been feeling lonely too these past few weekends, which is a new thing and rather troublesome. I may not have had the guts to contact old friends, but at least I had the presence of mind to book myself a mani/pedi tomorrow in the early afternoon which means I’ll be up before nightfall, I’ll make sure to take a shower and make myself smell good, and most importantly, I’ll get out of the house. You’d think all that would come automatically by now, but no, it’s still a struggle. Sigh. They say small steps, they say slow and easy, and thank God they say those things or otherwise I’d feel really inadequate… but I guess by those measures I’m doing rather well, so Yay!

Pics by Smiler using an iPhone camera