My Russian Mail-Order Wife

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This one is kinda crazy/kooky-loopy for sure. I’m reposting it from a former  blog I kept some years ago.

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I received the following email a little while ago, and I’ve been seriously considering replying and seeing if maybe Ekaterina and I… who knows? Soulmates maybe?

Hi! I am Ekaterina.

I am a kind, sociable woman. I have a lot of tenderness inside my soul which waits for somebody to be given to. I dream someone to steal my heart one day – I want to love and to be loved! People say I have a strong personality, but I am weak inside and like every woman I want to be defended by some strong knight in this world! I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:

1/ Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
2/ Are you planning to visit Russia?
3/ Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
4/ Why are you interested in Russian lady?
5/ Have you ever been to Russia?
6/ What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?

I will be waiting for your reply to
admin@1WIFEFORU.INFO
Would you like to know me better and to meet me?

Waiting for your reply,

Ekaterina.

So I finally worked up the courage to write my first letter to Ekaterina. I had to think about this long and hard, because as I understand it, they ship Russian wives without too many questions asked, with no returns or refunds possible. I’ve decided this is the right life choice for me. I need a wife. I need someone to cook and clean for me, someone to go shopping with, someone who can understand my shifting moods, someone who could massage my feet and make me homemade soup whenever I feel sick. Ekaterina sounds like just the ticket. A match made in heaven maybe.

To: admin@1WIFEFORU.INFO
From: singlegal@notsayingwhere.com

My dearest Ekaterina,

due to a series of events which would take much too long to explain here, I have become convinced that you must be the woman for me. You see, we have so much in common, not the least of which: the fact that I am a woman as well. I haven’t given up on men, but I do yearn to be with someone who has tenderness in their soul. I want to love and be loved too! And my strong personality all too often gets in the way of having meaningful relationships with men Ekaterina; I’m sure you’ll understand that. You say you are weak inside, which tells me you must have a strong submissive streak. This pleases me Ekaterina. I like to have a submissive woman to do as I please with. But before we get into all that, perhaps I should answer some of your questions, so you may get to know me closer, as you say (I can just imagine how cute it sounds when you say that with that sexy Russian accent of yours):

1/ Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman? Yes I am. But not just any Russian woman—it is you I desire Ekaterina—you and no one else but you.
2/ Are you planning to visit Russia? I was actually planning a trip to West Africa and New Zealand this year, but I guess I could make a little detour for you. I’m sure you’re worth it.
3/ Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone? I can’t wait Ekaterina. My knees go weak just at the thought of hearing your soft Russian rrrrr’s purring out of your lips. Do you have pretty, soft lips Ekaterina? Are they kissable lips? I could kiss for hours and days Ekaterina. Soft tender kisses on soft tender lips.
4/ Why are you interested in Russian lady? Because I hear Russian women are f*****g hot in bed!!! Sorry about the swearing Ekaterina. I just get worked up at the idea of having my very own Russian lady to do as I please with.
5/ Have you ever been to Russia? Not yet Ekaterina, no yet, but I do own this really wicked music compilation called Moscow – The Sex, the City, the Music… Have you heard of it? Can’t wait to listen to it with you by my side as we down vodka shots and talk about life and men and women and love and then… have drunken wild sex on the floor.
6/ What is important for you in relations and am I right for you? Sex. Sex. Sex and more sex. And oh yeah: a spiritual connection. Are you spiritual Ekaterina? And also, are you tall? Say… 5’9″ or more? And very slender? Do you have small bones and very high cheekbones? Do you have blue/gray or green eyes? Are you brunette or blonde? Are you well groomed? Can you walk in high heels? Do you have a sense of style? If you’ve answered yes to all the questions up to: do you have sense of style and then hesitated, no worries, I’ll take you shopping Ekaterina. I’ll turn you into a fashion maven, make you the next top model and we’ll live a very cozy life together, traveling the world and attending fashion events. We’ll hang out with Stella and Karl and Alex and Jean-Paul and Donatella and Miuccia, and Patrick and Nick and Annie and Ellen and Mario and Steven of course. I will make all men yearn for you. And all women too of course. But you will be mine. All mine. I want my very own Russian Wife Ekaterina, and I think you could be the one.

Please respond quickly! I’ve been preparing for you arrival with much anticipation. Do you like cats Ekaterina? Please tell me you love little pussy cats and can’t wait to meet my babies. That would so totally make my day.

Awaiting your response with bated breath.

Yours forever and ever more,
Single Gal.

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