Have I ever mentioned how moody I am? Yes. Moody. It’s hard to tell what’s what sometimes. What I mean by that is I hardly know what mood I’m in at any given time since it fluctuates so much. And just to keep things interesting, that gets expressed in different ways. Take blogging for example. There are days when I have so many ideas for posts that I simply don’t have enough hours in a day to work on them all. And it’s more than just a vague desire to post. It’s more like a passionate drive — it feels like there’s a powerful alignment of the planets, and I have to post about ABC as though my life depended on it, as if that next post is the one that’s going to make all the difference. What difference? I don’t know, doesn’t matter. All that matters in those moments is to ride that wave because then I feel like I’m being at my most creative.
Then there are days like today. Days where I feel like everything I do is so trite and so pointless. And even though I have a dozen topics in my drafts, all of which I’ve felt passionately that I needed to blog about eventually, my damn mood makes it all so drab, that it steals away all that zing that makes me want to run with it. Sometimes I know to recognize it for what it is and just step back a little. I don’t let myself make any decision and I certainly don’t let myself read or ‘organize’ my drafts, because that would just spell disaster. The same way looking at my sketchbook would spell disaster if I allowed myself to tear out everything I find isn’t up to par. There’d be nothing left. Nothing left.
Thank goodness there’s that thing about tomorrow being another day. Another day when what though? When I’ll write a brilliant post? When I’ll nail my drawing style? Shoot a picture that a magazine will want to publish? And then what? Then nothing. I’m trying to work on my enthusiasm and motivation, all those good things — I don’t want to bore everyone with my negativity… I have enough of boring myself with it.
But where do you go once you’ve lost all your illusions and you’ve become afraid to dream? Well, I can say it’s on days like today that I feel grateful for a letter from a reader that says “I enjoy your blog every day”. Every day, really? Through the ups and downs and the in-betweens? And look at this post, I just wanted to write a few lines. You know, I can’t even imagine what living life on an even keel would be like. This is the hand I’ve been dealt. Above all, it’s days like today that it sure is a consolation to know that everything just comes and goes.
Something tells me Emily Haines knows all about that. I’ve been listening to her tonight while trying to convince myself to work on my drawings. When I hear her songs, I know I’m definitely not the only moody gal around, and it makes it all a little better.