That last post was pretty dramatic. What I forgot to specify is that I’m so used to posting every day that even taking one day off seems like a long break. I certainly don’t have any intention of staying away for weeks or months. I’d go even more nutters! But now I’ve been getting all these supportive and kind responses from so many of you, I almost feel like I have to take a long break, or I’ll be like the boy who cried wolf. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what not to do. I just want to feel reasonably well again. To ask for happiness right now seems like quite a stretch. It’s so ironic that I decided to declare that I wouldn’t be posting when the real problem is that there are things I really want to be talking about here but am not sure I should, given the fact that this blog is read not only by friends and family, but possibly by work relations as well.
I’ll just say that having thought about it a little bit, I’m not entirely surprised to hit another wall at this juncture, when I was finally starting to show small signs of improvement. I can hardly believe it’s been almost a year now since I’ve been on leave. I wouldn’t have ever imagined I’d be on leave this long. And in hindsight it’s pretty damn clear to me now why I was so afraid to slow down or take a break to begin with. I was afraid of this. I was afraid to turn into one of those people I had so much contempt for when I was on the fast track. Can I get on that fast track again? Is that advisable? Won’t I just crash and burn all over again if I do? And then if I get off the fast track, won’t I be selling myself short after having worked to hard to get there in the first place?
The fact is I shouldn’t be obsessing over all that when I’m obviously not in a state to think about these things. I can’t even keep a routine together or put on normal clothes and get outside like most normal people do, or call friends as I should, or plan my life more than an hour or two ahead. I hardly see how I can be making important career decision right now.
So there you have it I didn’t want to take a break because I had nothing to say, it’s just that I thought those things I did have to say might get me in some sort of trouble. So be it. Sometimes it hurts more to let all those thoughts swim aimlessly around my head than to be able to write about them here.