Hi Friends and Family, Hi Readers and Fellow Bloggers, Hi Occasional Lurkers! It’s been a while! I have a few posts in the works, but they’re all book reviews and I figured some of you might appreciate hearing about how I’m doing instead. I’ll give an example* of why it is I don’t blog every day lately:
today I finally convinced myself to get out of the apartment because I needed to get myself a comb along with a few items from the market. Any excuse is a good excuse to get out. Only I started having an anxiety attack when I got to the pharmacy, because there were so many goddamned combs to choose from that I was completely overwhelmed. I foolishly had not anticipated that eventuality, figuring I’d just grab whatever they had and go, but no. I stood there muttering “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” under my breath while trying to take a pick [mum, don’t make fun of me]—I was worried that I’d start acting like Lionel Essrog, the narrator from Motherless Brooklyn (which I just finished reading tonight) who has Tourette syndrome—but then I managed to pin down my choice just as I could feel a real cursing stream scream building up. It was kind of nice that I was able to keep it together like that because it allowed me to continue shopping for a few other items I needed instead of getting forcibly escorted out of the store like some lunatic, which would have been mortifying.”
Well that makes for my second outing of the week, which, sadly enough makes for a good week considering what my average has been for the past many months now (once every two weeks maybe?), and since I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow (which will make for three outings) I thought I’d go for broke and make some kind of announcement that I plan on getting outside my apartment every day for the rest of the week. Must get out of the house everyday. Must get out of the house everyday. Must get out of the house everyday. My new mantra. It feels very strange being around other people when I get out there and I worry that I’ll do something completely inappropriate without realizing it (like talk out loud to myself, which I do a lot of at home). I suppose one gets used to interacting with other humanoids when necessary. Even me.
When I was getting back from my little shopping excursion today, I bumped into Zaza, my assistant from work who happens to live just around the corner from me. You’d think being neighbours we’d be bumping into each other all the time, but then, I don’t bump into much of anyone while I’m sitting up here on my balcony—even though plenty of people come and walk their dogs in our alleyway because it’s so pretty and green. I was a little bit concerned at first when I saw her, because what am I going to tell her when there’s been nothing new happening in my life? Or when whatever news I have is along the lines of “my shrink increased one of my meds and guess what!? I got myself a new garbage can and a new comb! Wanna see it?!”. Only I was forgetting how positive and enthusiastic this girl is, and in no time at all we were like two chatterboxes. We ended up stepping up to my place and talking for an hour or so with my grocery bags still laying all over the place. It was interesting to notice that I wasn’t having any nervous reactions when she was talking about work things as long as they didn’t involve me, but the second I started trying to talk about where I see myself within that whole context, I just panicked again so we just slid along to another topic of conversation and didn’t make a fuss about it. I’m not ready to tackle that topic seriously yet which is scary because every day I have visions of my career literally going up in flames and me walking around with as many of my possessions as I can fit into a shopping cart with Fritz trotting along behind us (only he’d never stoop to that, the little monkey). Zaza said several people are asking about me which is nice to know, but she also encouraged me to get in touch with people in my own time since that’s another anxiety-provoking issue for me. I like Zaza. I’m glad I’d chosen to give her that promotion as my assistant—I knew she’d be great at it. She was telling me she’d art directed several issues of the magazine herself recently and that she finally started getting a good understanding for things I’d been trying to transmit to her over the years. That felt really great to hear. I wish I could express it better because it meant a lot to me, but I guess this is an improvement over my reaction with her, which was not to say anything at all. But then, when too many words rush in, silence is often the best recourse.
*based on actual real events from actual real time.