In a conversation with my dad yesterday he commented that I haven’t posted about what’s going on in my life or how I’m feeling lately. My excuse is that I’m busy with writing my NaNo novel. But mostly I prefer not to examine my feelings too closely right now, and what better escape is there than sleep?
1. I missed taking my night meds (incl. lithium) two days in a row this week. Have no idea how that happened since I have a ‘foolproof’ system in place. As it happens, I’m also PMSing and my entire body is hurting. Sleep cures that better than Advil does.
2. As a consequence of missing my meds, I went into withdrawal which means, among other things, that I’m totally spaced-out. I’m back on the meds now, but it’ll take a few days for my blood levels to stabilize. Makes me feel like I’m a drug addict and it sucks.
3. I finally did go sign up at that cardio gym (hurray for me!), even though they have that retarded rule forbidding tank-tops. I promised myself I’d go the next day (yesterday) but of course I didn’t. Must sleep off the guilt. Must also sleep off the guilt of not going today either.
4. The gym is becoming crucial because I don’t fit into anything anymore, save for my yoga pants. I’ve caught myself wishing I could fit into my ‘fat’ jeans again. When I’m sleeping I never think about that sort of thing.
5. When I look at my body in the mirror, I think it looks fine. Even if I do have a belly that makes me look pregnant instead of my usual 6-pack (yeah, I’m totally exaggerating). Pregnancy is so not for me. Quick, have a nap before I start thinking about it too much.
6. Since I’ve spent the better part of my earnings on clothes (I know, that’s retarded) which are several sizes smaller over the past few years, I’ve decided I will not buy myself a whole new wardrobe (I think that’s reasonable). Sure, I have my yoga pants for now, which, incidentally, sure are comfy to sleep in but…
7. The plan we’re working out with my shrink, my psychologist and the insurance co. is for me to reintegrate my job progressively starting the beginning of January. I can’t very well wear my yoga pants to the office day in day out 24/7.
8. I hate working in an office environment. Hate is a light word. I have nightmares about it. One of the rare occasions when sleep isn’t the best solution.
9. My shrink canceled today’s appointment at the last minute. The same one I had asked to book in mid-November since I have time-sensitive issues I need to talk about. One of them being I don’t feel like I’m ready to go back to work yet. They’ve rescheduled me at the end of December, by which point it’ll be much too late. I’ve already left a message begging and pleading to let me see her sooner. Begging and pleading is frustrating and humiliating. Sleeping? (Almost) always comforting.
10. My psychologist decreed this week that we need to spend a portion of our sessions talking about work and how I am preparing myself to go back. I don’t want to talk about work. Don’t want to talk about work. Did I mention I don’t want to talk about work?
11. I know I shouldn’t be eating so many home-made cookies and desserts if I want to fit into my clothes again any time soon, but then if I regain my svelte body again, I’ll be able to fit into my work clothes again and then I won’t have an excuse not to go back to work. That kind of twisted rationalization makes me feel tired. Nap, anyone?
12. Things are generally going well with my NaNoWriMo novel, and I’m way ahead on the word count, but I’ve finally hit a slump and it feels like everything I’m writing is just stupid and meaningless. It seems like there’s no plot and that my characters are boring and unidimensional. I know it’s just a phase and I have to keep at it, but it makes writing—which is usually something I love to do—not fun at all. I figure if I sleep a little bit more, I might get better ideas?
13. There’s nothing like a soft purring cat (or two) lying next to you when you’re sleeping. It’s like a little bit of heaven.