Today, I wanted to try something a little bit different and get up earlier, tackle the day and feel victorious. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. To wit: I was unable to get myself out of bed this morning until the doorbell rang. I jumped up actually feeling grateful for the disturbance, figuring I would get a bit of a head-start. I buzzed the door open, assuming it was the mailman and was met with two Jehova’s Witnesses instead. Just great. “We are here to bring good news!” said one of the two ladies “may I read you something from the scriptures?” figuring there couldn’t be any harm in that I said go ahead. I was wearing my pyjamas, completely disheveled and blurry-eyed and this woman wanted to discuss theology with me. “What do you think about God? Do you think he is a he’s described in the bible?”. I said while I believe in God, mine is a private kind of spirituality and more than anything I feel there is a force of the universe that some religious groups like to maintain is God and which they then make in their own projected images. Then she showed me an image from their small magazine which looked like a green park with lots of smiling people in it. “Do you know what this is?” she aked me. No I didn’t. “That’s what heaven looks like see? And did you notice? There aren’t any old people in heaven. Everybody is young and happy”. I was going to say something about ageism and ignorance being bliss but I let that one slide. When they realized I wasn’t being receptive, they left after a long while, but not before offering to come again. That visit got me down though I can’t say why exactly. I was trying to imagine afterwards what this woman’s life must be like and wondering if every discussion around the dinner table and any casual exchange with her husband, kids, co-workers and friends always involved God and the scriptures and I concluded that depressingly enough, that was probably the case, yes. She just had that crazy God worshiper gleam in her eyes.
Then, thinking I’d make myself useful, I decided to empty that box that had been sent back to me from the office once and for all and be done with it. But no sooner had I begun that task that I thought “after 5 years of devoted service, hard work and insanity, this is all that I have to show for it”. There were some calling cards and various promos from illustrators and photographers, some stupid award for having made a certain amount of sales on a specific title (not the kind of thing I give a flying &%$# about, believe me) and then a bunch of envelopes, adressed to me in my former capacity as art director. By then it was too late to just stop and back away, but the damage was done. I was pulled into the vortex of negativity, thinking I would never be considered a VIP again, never get to choose who to work with again, never benefit from special perks and extras, never in fact be anyone of any consequence at all. I think that way because I’m not sure I have it in me to build myself up again into that kind of person. It’s a matter of energy as much as of desire, two things I am now woefully lacking in.
By then I wanted to drag myself back to bed, but seeing it was only just past noon or so, determined not to sleep until a decent bed-time. It was beautiful outside, but I had no energy at all to do a thing about it. In fact, that’s usually the case on most days, and this lack of energy is actually felt in every inch of my body and translated into pain. One would think that with all the medication I take, things would look a bit more encouraging somehow and some of the burden would lift, right? I feel like Lithium just kills my soul.
The one thing I’ve been holding on to all day is that tomorrow morning, I will do the first in a series of yoga sessions with my landlady who has offered to trade off a bit of French tutoring for some yoga stretches which I know my body, mind and soul desperately need. I knew that would mean early sessions when she offered, which would probably force me to adopt a more sane schedule, all of which are good things, but I emailed J today telling her I’m very nervous about sleeping right through the alarm clock in the morning and she nicely responded that if that happens, there will always be other sessions to join in.
Yep, so tomorrow’s another day. Thank God for that. (Amen)