Sometimes I just try too darn hard. Even for the stupidest things really. Take the latest book I picked up from my tbr pile: “Sept jours pour une éternité” (Seven Days for an Eternity) by Marc Levy. I’ve been hearing about this French author for years now. His first book, “Et si c’était vrai…” (If Only It Were True), which he wrote in 1998 was such a huge success that he was able to leave his very lucrative work to become a full-time writer after Dreamworks purchased the film rights for it and produced a movie called Just Like Heaven starring Reese Witherspoon. Every one of his books has been an instant best-seller, they’ve been translated in more languages than I knew existed and sold by the many millions. The truth is, I hadn’t picked up one of his books till now because I decided a few years back that I didn’t like this guy. Call me envious, call me whatever you want, but his Midas touch just rubbed me the wrong way. But THEN, came my famous book list. And I decided that Marc Levy must be featured on the list so that I too could see what makes his books so special. So I had one of my fellow BookMooch members send me a copy directly from France. Incidentally, there’s another Moocher, also in France, waiting for me to send HER the book as soon as I’m done with it. This book travels more than I have lately, that’s for sure. And all for what??
Groan. That’s what. I’d almost rather skip having to explain the premise of the damn thing because I find it so unbearably stupid I feel like it’s an insult to my intelligence just even thinking about it for more than a minute—the one time I don’t read a book review and it comes and bites me in the ass. So here we go: The Almighty, known to many as God, and referred to as “Monsieur” (Sir) in “Sept jours pour une éternité” (no joke) accepts a challenge from his main competitor, commonly knows as the Devil, the big prize being that the winner gets to rule humanity for the rest of eternity (My, isn’t that just too clever? How original!). The idea is they will both send their best “agents” out on a mission to do the most good on the one hand, and the most damage on the other, for a period of one week, and whichever prevails, wins. I got to page…(checking)… 94. When I got to 50 I told myself I’d push on to 100 before deciding if I prefer spending my time reading it or playing video games on my iPhone (obviously should have chosen the latter). What I read in those first few pages was just so moronic I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes and thinking Crayon Ball (my latest video game craze) was probably more mentally stimulating than this piece of old dog turd. Does this guy take his readers for complete morons?? Zophia, the main character in the story gets to meet God in person within the first 50 pages. God, aka Sir, runs a organization called the CIA (brace yourself: Central Intelligence for Angels) out of the Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco (the CIA is accessible through a specific secret stone you have to tap on. Of course). And of course, the place is referred to as The Agency and run like, well probably like the CIA would be (because God is with the times, right?)
I don’t have the energy to go on. Oh yeah. One thing. The two agents meet—God’s Angel and the Devil’s… Spawn, I guess, for lack of a better word. And get this… THEY FALL FOR EACH OTHER!!!!!!!
Excuse me while I go and puke my guts out for a few hours.
So yeah. Considering all the incredibly amazing, brilliant, inspired, soul-nourishing, trailblazing and incredibly kick-ass quality literature I have laying in neat little piles all over my living room right now, I see no reason why I should waste another breath, another thought, another molecule of my being, reading that piece of pure, unadulterated trash. I can’t even believe I hesitated for a moment, wondering if dropping this book was the “right” thing to do or not. Burning it would be a greater service to humanity, but they’ll just keep killing trees to print more so I won’t bother. And by the way, I’ve seen Levy’s photo on Wikipedia and the guy looks like a major sleazebag, Frenchie style. Probably thinks he’s all that too. Groan. I feel like I need to go wash myself now to get rid of all that bad writing swimming around in my head.
I gave this book: 1 Star. Which according to my system means “I hated this book”. But now that I think about it, I was being far too generous. I think this book merits the distinction of getting a half star instead, meaning: “This book will melt your fucking brain”.