Change is a good thing, I keep telling myself today. Day 2 (Wednesday) was a good day because it felt like my outlook had shifted to a positive mode. Most of it isn’t worth describing in great detail; a rainy day turning into a sunny one, allowing me to walk around downtown even though I’d forgotten to take my umbrella; feeling good about myself as opposed to anxious, angst-ridden, trapped in the concrete jungle; having pleasant exchanges with complete strangers; letting myself be infected by Spring Fever leading to happy feelings for no reason; starting the day doing yoga with J certainly set things on the right course; getting a beautiful postcard* with a very pretty stamp from my mum was a very nice touch too.
The big event of the day was my appointment with my shrink. She’d booked a whole hour for us (practically unheard of!) so we could discuss a new course of therapy. She compared this week’s blood test results with other recent ones, and said we have a clear indication that my thyroid has been affected by the lithium, apparently a common effect from the lithium. In any case, Dr. Z didn’t seem overly worried about my hypothyroidism, though she said I need to start taking hormone pills to correct the situation. This led her to say that we shouldn’t try changing all my medication at the moment but instead wait and see the improvements that the hormones should bring (i.e. less fatigue, less depression, some weight loss… all good things).
I surprised myself when I accepted to try a day program which involves showing up at the hospital three days a week from 9-4 and participating in group therapy, various workshop and orientation sessions, even arts & crafts as far as I understand. Dr. Z had mentioned this a couple of times before but hadn’t insisted when I showed myself less than enthusiastic, as they only take patients who are willing and able to have some structure and interact with others in this program. This time, I decided it might be a good idea after all, as long as I could try it for a week or two before committing to the full 12 weeks, which she found to be an entirely reasonable request. There’s a waiting list and then a preliminary interview, so we’ll see what comes of it.
I have to stop here. I’m starting to feel nauseous at the thought of it all now. Yesterday I was in some sort of altered state which made me feel optimistic and disregard my fears. Today is a different story. Today I learned from my pharmacist that my thyroid condition may be permanent, which means I may have to continue the hormonal treatment indefinitely. Today I’m filled with doubts and fears. Today my body is sore all over, I’m exhausted and not so very optimistic. But at least I have proof that good days do happen, and that the positive feelings can even carry over to more days. Which is why I had to blog about it, that way I can look back on these posts whenever I’m needing encouragement.
* taking artistic license here because this actually occurred on Tuesday, but I’d forgotten to mention it in the first post.
Coming up: a visit to Westcott Books.