I’ve sitting in front of a blank screen for over a half hour trying to figure out what I should blog about today. I don’t feel inspired and I don’t feel creative. I have no great insights to share. I could of course post another music video. Or a clever quote. Or some silly photo of mine. Goodness knows I don’t yearn for bad days, but at least when I feel awful, I know how I feel. But then I don’t dare ask for great days either, because sometimes I feel those are numbered, and God forbid I should use them all up and have none left next time I need them.
Great, now I want to cry. Well at least I can put a word to how I feel right now: sad. And also there’s this horrible feeling of DREAD. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop and find myself in ever BIGGER trouble. Thinking that somehow, that’s what I deserve. Would be nice to believe in myself. You know, to feel like I AM worthy, and I AM entitled to want good things to happen to me. For some reason, I often feel like it’s people like me who are responsible for all the fucked-upness in this world. Which is of course completely absurd. If everybody spent all their time sleeping the way I do, there would be no crime and corruption and hatred and greed. Of course, there wouldn’t be much of anything period. Besides, turns out you really can’t have it all, after all. Good thing I have a therapy session coming up in a couple of days.
Some music, in case you hated the post: Mandalay’s* been playing in the background—perfect music for when I’m feeling angst-ridden. Or heartbroken (not the case right now but has been too many times to count in the past).
*They unfortunately split up some years ago, but their song Beautiful was a huge success. I like to play it to myself when I need a loving-kind reminder.