I made it out the door this morning. Even though I was dead-tired and it was raining buckets when they’d predicted light showers and it was really cold outside. I stayed awake through a meeting and a couple of classes at the Day Program. I walked back home from the hospital even though it was still pouring rain at that point which would have been a good excuse to take the bus. When I got home the only thing on my mind was to take a long nap but I convinced myself to get out again to run an errand I’d been putting off for a couple of weeks. Then I stopped over at the market and bought stuff for dinner although I didn’t feel like eating ‘real food’ and certainly wasn’t up for cooking. Wanted to nap or read when got back home but instead I started cleaning out the BBQ (which took forever) so I could put a couple of the brochettes I’d just purchased on the grill for dinner. Sat down to eat and even allowed myself a beer with dinner, a small pleasure I don’t often indulge in.
All that’s not to say I feel great. In fact, not to say I feel good, even. But I just did it. And as we re-established today during our Self-Esteem Session, “just doing it” usually is a good way to give one’s self-confidence a little boost. Still waiting for that boost to kick in but I’m guessing it probably take a while for the effects to sink in. At least I can watch t.v. right now completely guilt-free. But I just thought I’d keep a record of this day for those times when I might forget that… Yes, I can.
Louise Brooks graffiti pic by Smiler using the iPhone camera