Again and Again

The alarm clock rang this morning, so I pressed snooze. And again. And again. Next thing I knew, it was 6:00 p.m. and I’d spend the whole day in bed again. My excuse this time is that I had a dream so strange and so upsetting that every time I started to come out of it, I’d try figuring out whether it was for real or not and what it could possibly mean and fall right back into it again.

One thing I was trying to understand was why I’d still keep having dreams about my ex D when it’s been over ten years since we broke up now. He’s married with kids. I’ve got my cats and my mood disorder. The dreams are always more or less the same: I’m staying at his apartment while he’s gone away to a business trip so that I can pack up the last of my things and move away for good. As I make my way around his apartment, I look back on our relationship and try to find clues as to why things went wrong for us (and discover plenty of them). But this time there was a huge twist because in this dream he came back home wanting to work things out and shortly after he dies in my arms after a terrible accident. I kept trying to save him and he kept dying over and over and over again. It was incredibly upsetting. I woke up crying a few times and went back to sleep hoping the dream would change it’s course by the time I woke up again. But it didn’t. It just kept getting stranger and stranger and he just kept dying again and again. Now that I know the outcome of all this—he dies in the dream, I wake up more upset and feeling stranger than ever, having missed out on another day of school—I do realize what I should have done was get out of bed first thing this morning, go to school and leave it all behind me.

Some things I’ll just never understand.

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6 thoughts on “Again and Again

  1. The dream kept getting more upsetting because the dream was saying: "How bad do I have to make it before you wake up and go splash some water on your face?" You may still have dreams about D when you're 87 years old, if whatever D stands for is still an issue for you at that time. In other words: plenty of time to figure it out, bit by tiny bit. Back on your yellow brick road, hon. Bright Kandinsky colors to you. xxx

  2. I believe there are things one never understands, in the sense of organizing them with the big brain. David Hume said "Reason is the slave of the passions". Wallace Stevens talked about "How to uncrumple this much-crumpled thing" (meaning love). Feelings will not yield to an insistent approach by the intellect.At least, if you get that to work, let me know, cause I'd like to do it myself.

  3. mum: you'd think my subconscious would know by now that making the dream more and more terrible just keeps me more and more fascinated and wondering how much worse it can possibly get!Kandinski. Yes. I'm sure he had his fair share of stange dreams. There was a whole lot going on in that brain of his, that's for sure.

  4. Marijo: your comment made me smile. You're absolutely right. In fact, my life in the past couple of year has been a lot like the movie Groundhog Day. I should watch it YET AGAIN to figure out what it is I need to change.

  5. ArtSparker: the only way I've figured out how to deal with all those yucky messy lovey dovey feelings in through AVOIDANCE. It works. If you don't count the f—-d-up dreams though.

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