Why do I bother?

I keep having to remind myself that when I get discouraged, it usually has nothing to do with the state of affairs but is rather a clear marker that I’m over-tired and need to give myself a break and get some rest. It’s also a good idea in those moments to give myself credit where credit is due, so I’ll start by patting myself on the back for going to drawing class today, even if I really, really didn’t want to.

There was an unpleasant incident last week when a student next to me took a phone call in class and then proceeded to whisper into her phone a few feet away from me. This was breaking my concentration—something I need in vast amounts especially when drawing—so I tried to flag her down to ask her to take her call outside the studio. She didn’t see or hear me after a couple of attempts, so I asked more forcefully and was met with grimaces, eye-rolls and nasty stares from both her and her stupid friend. I don’t know what they’re doing there to begin with since they’re both airheads and can’t seem to understand even the simplest of directions, besides which drawing can sometimes get your hands dirty and I would think these girls could better put that time towards even more primping. At the end of class, I pulled the woman aside and told her (as gently as I could) that in future she should take her calls outside so as not to disrupt people. She started making a big deal about the fact that she’s alone raising children and needs to take calls in case of emergencies… and even though I kept repeating that nobody was denying her rights and all I was asking was for her to step outside the fucking class next time (I didn’t swear at her, though at that point I wanted to rip her stupid head off), she and her friend marched off in a huff, giving me dirty looks again, making me out to be the bad guy.

This didn’t sit with me well at all because for one, I felt like I had endured something which shouldn’t have taken place to begin with, so I took it up with the teacher who against all expectations, refused to see my point while another student kept saying the woman had been talking softly and wasn’t being disruptive at all actually so why was I making a big deal about it. To say I was pissed is putting it mildly. Nothing gets me worked up as much as being confronted with such a high degree of stupidity combined with lack of common sense and/or respect for others, besides which I’m paying good money for these art classes and refuse to let a complete moron ruin the experience for me. When I saw the director of fine arts this week, I mentioned the incident to her and asked if there was a school policy about taking phone calls in class. It seems there isn’t, it’s up to individual teachers to decide. Still, she added they would send a memo to all the teachers to ask them to remind students not to disrupts others by taking calls in class.

Still, this morning I had no motivation to show up to class and put up with stupid #1 & #2 as well as unsupportive teacher, but I went anyway telling myself that worse come to worse, I’d bitch-slap the next idiot who got in my face (not really, but just entertaining the thought provided good entertainment value).  So I want to congratulate myself for going to class today and leaving feeling better than I did walking in, while not having recourse to violence to take part in what ought to be a peaceful and relaxing occupation.

When I got home this afternoon, I had a look at how both this blog and createthreesixty5.com are doing in terms of traffic and clicks and so on. Not well. Not well at all. In fact, for the past weeks, both blogs have been getting no more than 20 or so visitors per day. I don’t mind so much about this blog—which actually gets up to 50-60 clicks on some days (woo hoo!)—because who wants to read the kind of crap I’m writing about just now anyway, right? But the other blog… well that hurts a little. Because not only are people NOT participating in something I think can be immensely rewarding for all involved, but they aren’t bothering to see what those who ARE participating are posting even. And then I ask myself the question I always ask myself when I feel down and out: why the hell do I bother? And that’s when I have to remind myself that I do it because I can, and that should be plenty good enough. But should be doesn’t mean it is, and it’s not, actually. So I ask once again, why do I bother?

Off to let the universe work that one out while I take that much-needed nap now.

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3 thoughts on “Why do I bother?

  1. I say , you bother for your own healing and your own creativity and do not bother much with numbers of participation xxx

  2. Mum: as I said in the email, I loved this song. Will listen to it again as am in need of more soothing before I turn in for the night. xox

    Dad: of course you’re absolutely right. I still forget sometimes that recovery is more important than productivity and any sign of exterior “success”. hugs.

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