10 Woody Allen Quotes

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better,
but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair
and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I was depressed… I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself
but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you
pay for the sessions you miss.

Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

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6 thoughts on “10 Woody Allen Quotes

  1. I’ll see your 10 Woody Allen’s and raise you 10 Steven Wright’s:

    1. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve
    forgotten this before.

    2. He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

    3. I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
    brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

    4. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

    5. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
    Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

    6. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

    7. I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered
    French Toast during the Renaissance.

    8. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
    Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
    when to stop unwrapping.

    9. What’s another word for Thesaurus?

    10. If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

    • Jonas, I have trouble with name recall so seeing “He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations.” on Wikipedia reminded me exactly of who you’re talking about and re-reading his quotes with his voice in mind makes them that much funnier.

    • I like the photo too and though it fit well with the general morbidity of many of his quotes. Not enough people make jokes about death and dying if you ask me. :-)

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