I’m sorry to say I’ve been feeling mostly depressed and low on energy lately. Most of my art classes have ended this week, with my last watercolours class coming on Monday. I have a new painting class starting in July and a drawing class in August but of course there will be less activity over the summer as far as art therapy goes. But then, I always seem to get depressed around this time of year. Everyone seems to have plans and opportunities to get out of the city and the prospect of another lonely birthday looming ahead and seeing everybody outside with friends and family inevitably makes me feel more lonesome than ever, while at the same time being on my own suits me more often than not. There are not a lot of people I feel comfortable reaching out to in “real life”. I’m feeling like a loser again and any time I try to think of my future I get terrified and can’t seem to see anything but bleakness, which doesn’t help matters. In other words, I’m feeling sorry for myself and when I feel like this I just lay low because it’s not the kind of energy I feel I should share with anybody.
I’m thankful to have Coco giving me a compelling reason to get out of the house three times a day. I get to talk to complete strangers because they find him cute and ask questions. Of course I always tell them he’s a rescue dog—I have to say I’m quite proud of doing my part in some small way. My only complaint is that he’s a bit of a whiner and he doesn’t always come when I call him those rare times I let him off leash, so altogether it’s safe to say he’s a dream dog and I pretty well won the dog lottery. I go to dog parks sometimes which is a great social outing for Coco but I mostly feel awkward around the other dog owners and always leaving feeling worse than when I arrived.
I’m considering volunteering for a couple of places; there’s the workshop at the day hospital I used to go to that could use a bit of organizing and I heard of a cat rescue which is nearby and doesn’t require a long commute. I just need to make a few calls and meet people to make it happen, which seems like more than I can handle right now, so all in due time I guess. I’m just waiting for this latest bout of the blues to blow over and in the meantime I’m accumulating lots of material to post both here and on the C365 site which I’ve admittedly neglected lately, along with everything and everyone else. At least I’m not questioning whether or not I ‘deserve’ to keep on living—something that tends to come up around this time every year—especially now that I have my little family of three kidz to look after, which is a pretty good mindspace to be in, all things considered. So yeah, not complaining. It is what it is and like everything else, this too shall pass, right? Right.
Pic by Smiler