Longing for Weightlesness

I met someone in the form of a handsome man the other day who somehow woke me from the slumber I’ve been in and has made me long for things I thought I’d given up on for good. I should rejoice and celebrate the mere fact that I’ve gotten in touch with that softer side of myself again and maybe even allow myself to feel hopeful that wonderful things are on their way.

But instead, I feel miserable. Although I do my best not to, I can’t help but long for the phone to ring. Not to mention the angst, migraines, more angst and for once when sleep would really come in handy, too anxious to let myself shut down and rest for a while. Most people in my position might be floating on a little cloud, but in my case, I feel like the walls are closing in on me while I’m weighed down by a lead suit that makes me unable to move or think, never mind do something to make myself feel better. This is definitely no way to live.

So I had to ask myself: if I had to choose between the possibility of finding “true love” and achieving that state of complete calm and wellbeing—a feeling I experienced maybe twice in my life for just a few fleeting seconds (and ended as soon as I realized how good it felt)—which would I opt for? I didn’t have to think about this one too long: give me peace of mind. Once I have that, everything becomes a possibility as opposed to a punishing experience.


9 thoughts on “Longing for Weightlesness

  1. nice thoughts ilana…
    good 2 know i’m not the only 1 longing 4 this ‘weightlesness’ piece of mind (which i by the way experienced in …’true love’…)

    • In my case, when it happened it was completely out of the blue as I was doing something random like washing the dishes for example. When I’ve been in love, I’ve felt euphoria, but never, ever, complete peace of mind.

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Longing for Weightlesness | From Smiler, with Love. -- Topsy.com

    • Thanks, it must have worked because I feel like there have been some moments of grace since this post. There’s no doubt that I’ve met someone very special and that he is treating me like a dear friend. Beyond that, only time will tell and it’s just as well. xx

  3. Good development you have ; ” peace of mind and love ” . its all one parcel , no matter how you look at the details . so with patience as a virtue you are on the right track , Ilana xxx

    • As I said to Marilou, so far in my life love hasn’t come my way with peace of mind attached, often quite the opposite in fact. Does that mean I haven’t experienced “real” love yet (other than from my parents of course)? That just might be the case if they’re meant to happen at the same time…

  4. Ilana, you know, someone out here, knows exactly how these feelings evolve and grips us, in very confusing ways. The best that I can do, is living one moment at a time, create some kind of artwork each day, and say I love you or say something funny, just to brighten a day for a friend. I have been set aside, when the people I loved, could not understand my polar variations. Trust is fleeting, and hopes hard to cultivate, with this lack of acceptance by those one loves. Despite being a mainly mellow person, mis-wired anxiety causes great questioning and doubt in me. Despite all of this, it gives me great pleasure to again say, you are the most beautiful woman (in the Eastern Standard Time zone!!!) :-) My true friends do not treat me as though I am broken, they just role with my sensitive nature. Such as being an animal lover, trying to help the abused. Peace, I.

    • Thanks for sharing your thoughts John. Sometimes when I get bogged down with all my insecurities and anxieties, it helps me to remember that everyone, whether bipolar or not, struggles at one time or another with the very same issues. I guess it’s all just part of being human. xox

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