and the currents are so strong

I have a heavy heavy heart today. Not sure why. It’s been like this for quite some time now, but today, tears welling up and great sadness, tears falling. And fatigue, overwhelming fatigue. I tried pushing it all away by laying down and listening to Die Trying, the latest Jack Reacher novel I’ve got going. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the story and I was hooked into the thriller for hours, but still, still the oppressive sadness wouldn’t leave me.

I need to start a new thread on LT since the current one is getting too long. I like to put an image in the top post to make it more visually interesting. I do tend to be obsessive, just a tad, so been looking for visuals for hours for the last couple of days. I had an idea in mind, then found something I liked and thought I’d do a montage in Photoshop, which is nothing new for me, but somehow… all the insecurity and stress and pressure to produce visual images overtook me and I just felt utterly lost. It should be my favourite thing of all. I’ve been told so often by people who should know about these things that I’m talented, and aren’t we supposed to revel in our talents and derive boundless pleasure from them? How taking on the simplest project, done just for the fun of it can become such a tortuous process is beyond me. Which may explain some of the sadness. Being an art director in the publishing world for successful magazines was a dream of mine when I was a kid, although I wouldn’t have known how to define what my role would be, or that it was called ‘art direction’ or anything like that. I worked really hard, and my dream became a reality, and then the reality of it with the pressure it entailed became so crushing… I tried. I really tried keeping it together. Why did I fall to pieces while others manage to soldier on, and why I can’t seem to put all those pieces together again and move on, and why and for what do I mourn still are questions that plague me. I feel so lost—like a rudderless ship lost at sea, navigating unknown waters, with a blanket of dark thick clouds hiding the stars from view. I guess the new thread can wait.

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6 thoughts on “and the currents are so strong

  1. hey dear, let me blow my mighty breath (mint scented, don’t worry!), and put some threads of light around the now not so thick clouds, and gentle winds in your sails.

    Clouds in their journey through heaven’s paths respond to the call of water
    Await under the sun,
    A huge cluster of greys embroidered with light, my beloved,
    Like a song that’s been born, it just hasn’t yet got its words

  2. Black Dog’s come to haunt you. As a depressive myself, I know that Black Dog well. And, believe me, I know your story well, too. Talented individual who tries so hard, so very hard, to satisfy expectations, to “prove” worth, to excel, to do everything right…only to be crushed by those very same expectations. You’re not alone, Smiler. A whole lotta good folks have Black Dogs nipping at their heels.

    There are days when it’s damn hard simply to move. Some days, that takes more strength than displayed by the strongest athlete.

    Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. Don’t give in.

  3. The fact you are telling us of your great difficulty , and that you express it as you do ,
    might , and i hope actually is ; a preliminary sign of healing .
    Your self healing , i very much hope
    Zev xx

  4. “and the currents are so strong”. “fatigue”. “I tried. I really tried keeping it together. Why did I fall to pieces while others manage to soldier on”. “I feel so lost—like a rudderless ship lost at sea, navigating unknown waters, with a blanket of dark thick clouds hiding the stars from view”.

    It probably won’t help you to know this, but I hear you, and I know exactly what that feels like.

    For whatever it’s worth, I care. You’re not alone in having these emotions, and if there’s anything I can do to show you that I’m here for you, just name it. One more thing: you’re beautiful — even then. Not in spite of it.

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